When you’ve had the long talk about why the two of you can no longer be together
And you’ve unfriended her on Facebook and blocked her Instagram as well
When you’ve placed all the pictures of her that you have on your iPad into your digital wastebasket
When you’ve deleted her as a contact on your Facetime along with all the goofy emails exchanged during that blissful time when the two of you spoke of eternity as reality
And when you have taken the time to delete the profile picture on the Groupme account you shared with her
Then you can begin the process of forgetting the sound of her panting and the curl of her toes. The loudness of her snore and the fullness of her Afro. The way she used to beat you at every game you played with her; air hockey, tennis, wrestling, love etc. And the irony of her insatiable desire to listen to Donny Hathaway on vinyl because as it turns out, giving up really is hard to do
And then you can forget all of the ground you covered with her only to have more ground appear only to realize there lay a chasm between the two of you that your love alone could never bridge. It is only then that you can forget that you tried harder than ever before but you failed all the same. It is only then that you can begin to become reacquainted with how enormous the world can be for a person that must traverse it alone. Then you will finally come to terms with the truth. And that truth is that you were always alone and you will always be alone because alone is how god made you.
August 7, 2011
The very thought of success terrifies me but failure is not an option.
I’ve been fighting with my back against the ropes for so long now I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be in control. Everyday is a fight. I have to fight for absurd things that others take for granted. I have to fight to keep what little I have and I have to continue to fight to get everything that I deserve in this world. So the thought of me actually attaining what it is that I dream of every night is a bit unsettling.
What does a fighter do when he has achieved all of his goals? Does he find something else to fight for or does he just quit? I’m not sure I know myself outside of constant struggle. But then again I’m not sure I know myself at all. Take all the rage out of a man, take all the venom out of a poisonous snake, take the horns off of a bull and what have you?
Certain creatures are defined by their ability to strike. I have come to define myself by my ability to strike back. Therefore if I had no one out there antagonizing me then my self-image would disintegrate. It is very troubling to know that I have allowed my view of self to be dictated by those who seek to destroy me. If I could isolate myself from all the hate and distance myself from all the pain then what would I become? I would be transformed into the unknown and the unknown is what I fear more than anything else. For I know in which direction I should be headed yet I intentionally march toward a slow ignorant death.
But before I die I am left here to ponder the question of whether or not I could ever honestly find contentment in peace.
-The Asiatic Prince