When them stars in the sky be sleeping and the sunlight hit my eyelids first thang in the morning—that’s when I want you there. I want you to feel comfortable enough to kiss me before you brush yo teeth. I want to squeeze you until yo ribs hurt, but just a little bit. I want you to gasp for air a little, you know how you do, and then I’ll let you go. And I want you to roll on top of me and slap me in my face, but not too hard though. Then I want you to pin my arms down and kiss me on the lips. Then when I stick my tongue in your mouth I want you to blush and tell me to stop because yo breath stank. I’ll tell you I like that shit and you’ll scream and cover your mouth and try to run to the bathroom. I’ll grab your hand and pull you back in bed. And we’ll do what we do until you don’t think about what your mouth may taste like to me. After that we’ll contemplate what we’ll do for the rest of the day. Where are we going to eat? Should we work out together? Should we go hang out by the lake? Or should we doordash breakfast, lunch, and dinner and pray for a girl when we’re finished doing our thang?
Anyways that’s how I want you. I want obsession to be a normal thang with us. I want you to be my homey. Like on some real Tupac Me and My Girlfriend type shit. Look for me when you dream and see me when you wake up. That’s how I want it to be forever. Are you down?
Her entitlement is what disturbs me the most. She knew that she could have me. She didn’t need to hear any of the compliments that I gave her. She knew that I would spend money on her. She knew that I would continue to desire her well beyond the point where she stopped returning my calls.
I can’t find the words to tell her how insecure she is making me feel, and if I could find them I still would not tell her. I would rather let the cancer spread throughout my body than to allow the sun to touch my wound.
I found a lock of her hair on my navel when I was showering. My soul jerked back and forth between the euphoria of her bed and the depression that is her absence. It was less than 24 hours after seeing her and I knew that I would never see her again. I shuddered. My mind drifted. I was alone in my shower. Alone in my home. Alone in my yearning. I got it together.
I cleaned her off of my body. I texted another woman. I swiped right for about thirty minutes, and I almost went to the bar where all the pretty black girls who work in tech hang out before I realized I was lying to myself. I was hurting. I would be in pain for quite some time. I had to heal.
Her back faces me. Her afro leaps out in every direction like an uncontained blaze. And I am nothing but a moth drawn to my own destruction. Before I parish may I kiss your cheek my love? Can we do our dance? May I hold you? The answer is yes. I cherish this right now. For it won’t take me the rest of my youth to appreciate the magnitude of this blessing. Did you say your mother was from Georgia? Can I taste your peach? Can I lick your spine? Can I run my fingers through your hair from behind? No, well why not? You say that your father is a man of my hue maybe even a shade lighter. Your brother was your first friend and I remind you of him but I can’t run my fingers through your mane? Why am I not allowed to touch your crown yet you have given me your body from all angles? Your nipples point out like Hershey’s kisses but the room is not cold. The conflagration is beneath me. Your anxiety has burned away and I kiss thee.
I hold thee as if this were our bridal bed. I share with you precious quotes that my grandmother said unto me when I was a little boy. You kiss my neck softly and you crawl away beckoning me to follow. I catch up to you. I am she. She is me. She moans soft and sultry. I pull her hair. She becomes stiff. She crawls away but this time I never catch up. I apologize to her as she puts on her clothes. The fire has been contained but not before I perish. You are not a fetish to me. You are not exotic. You are the one that my grandmother wanted to meet before she passed away. You are the one I was raised to protect. You are the truth from whom I could never run. I can’t apologize for all of those boys but I can be your man.
My obsequiousness does not move you. The room is suddenly cold. Your eyes avert mine. I have violated you and for that I apologize. My punishment shall be to remain unseen by you forever. If this be my hell, then may the devil allow me to look straight into the fire every day and be reminded of your beautiful hair.
In a matter of hours Colin Kaepernick will have a football workout with several NFL team representatives on hand. They will be determining whether or not he will have the opportunity to play for one of their franchises. Some people are concerned because the workout is taking place on Saturday when most NFL teams are unavailable due to their respective games on Sunday. They wonder why it isn’t happening on a Tuesday which is the league protocol. Other people are praising Jay-Z. They state that his teaming up with Roger Goodell is the only reason Kaepernick is getting this opportunity. To be real, it all seems very disrespectful to the movement that Colin still desires to play in the league at all. Especially since he’s made enough money via his settlement and his deal with Nike to never have to work for the man again. Colin’s yearning to throw more touchdowns in front of tens of thousands of fans is obviously very essential to his being. The only question is why.
We must now revisit the childhood dream that so many little American boys have. 4thand Goal, 6 seconds on the clock, the ball is on your opponents fifteen-yard line. You take the snap. You look left. You look right. You see your favorite target. Touchdown. The crowd rushes the field. You have just led your home team to a Super Bowl victory. And now you’re going to Disneyland.
Colin almost achieved that dream in Super Bowl 47, but instead Kaepernick threw an interception to the Baltimore Ravens. Perhaps he wants that pass back. Perhaps he wants to play until he actually wins a Super Bowl title. This mode of thinking is extremely dangerous because it means that in order for Colin to achieve his dream he must be an employee of one of the many billion dollar companies that are a major reason why his people are suffering in the first place. The NFL has 32 teams. All of them are very profitable. All of them have a majority of black players and none of them have a black owner. At times we forget that the NFL is just as guilty as city planners, the prison guards’ association, the police, and the banks for keeping blacks in the ghetto. It’s the same exclusionary practices which keep all but one of the NFL owners white (Shahid Kahn of The Jacksonville Jaguars is Pakastani) that keep banks in the hood from lending money to African-Americans so that they can start a business. Therefore, it feels counterproductive for Colin to expose them as a racist good old boys’ network who colluded to keep him out of the league only to want to work for them once again. Thus, Colin has effectively allowed wealthy white men to have ownership of his dreams.
It’s very frustrating to know that with all of his social justice work and all of his support from the black community and progressives around the world, Colin Kaepernick may still be mentally enslaved. He still needs to be validated by a white organization in order to feel whole. It bothers me to see that this is what has become of knee that he took. And it frightens me to think that he may still be on his knees begging to work in the white man’s kingdom.
The humongous state of California can feel claustrophobic at times. As of late these times have been occurring much more frequently. A few weeks ago, I sought to leave. I felt like if I didn’t cross the state line then bad things would happen to me. I was imploding. There’s really no other way to put it. So, I headed east. And quite randomly or maybe one can say it was by god’s design, I wound up in Utah. As I traveled through the state I was shocked by all of the natural beauty. The red clay was very reminiscent of Arizona but it wasn’t as brightly colored. It was more subdued. The landscape on either side of the highway was so striking and the canyons were so picturesque that I found myself pulling over at every looking point. Each time I stepped out of the vehicle I further internalized the fact that I was a long way from Oakland, CA.
The beauty of the state was amplified even further when I got to Bryce Canyon National Park. As I admired the shapes of the rocks in the canyon from the top of a trail something told me to look up into the sky and when I did I was forever changed. The perfectly formed clouds stood still and they accentuated the endless blue surrounding them. I’m from the west coast so I’m used to looking out at the Pacific Ocean and feeling like a speck of dirt amongst its vastness. I have never, until that moment, looked toward the sky in the middle of the day and felt the same way. There was so much sky. It was unpolluted. It was clear. It was humbling as well as comforting. I trusted the sky. I felt protected by it. I was enamored with its unwavering presence. I thought of my father and my grandparents. My friends and all of my ancestors and it brought contentment. I knew that their souls were there and I knew that mine would be there one day as well, and I was ok with that. I was at peace with where I was and where I would ultimately end up.
I took a picture which is my attempt to capture something that could never be captured. The peace that I gained in that moment has been a lasting one. I never thought that Utah would be the place that I would go to heal but that’s how it played out. And now whenever I feel downtrodden I stop and look up before I continue my life.
Are we in the pursuit of money or are we in the pursuit of justice? That is the question that is currently dividing Team Kaepernick and Team Jay-Z as we move forward into another NFL season. After Jay-Z forged a partnership with Roger Goodell and the NFL on August 14th many people viewed it as a betrayal of his former protégé Colin Kaepernick—I am one of those people.
To be clear, I am not Team Kaepernick. Meaning I do not follow Kap blindly. I am critical of his desire to reenter the NFL. I am critical of him starting a movement that seems to have no real goals. As a matter of fact, he seemed to disappear shortly after his kneeling gained serious traction amongst both liberals and people in the center of the political spectrum that appreciated Colin exposing the myriad hypocrisies that are embedded in the fabric of this nation. One thing I would never call into question is that Colin took a knee by himself. He had no support when he did it. He lost millions of dollars in salary and endorsements for doing it (though he made a portion of it back through his deal with Nike and his settlement against the NFL). And he was ultimately banned from football because of it. That is admirable. Any time a man puts a cause over making money in a system that routinely places capital over human life then they are special. That makes Colin immortal and it says that the cause itself transcends any amount of money. This is why I was aghast when I found out that Jay Z made a deal to provide entertainment for halftime at NFL games this season and maybe be part owner of a team. Most of the details are still not public but what we do know is that there is some form of a social justice component. Money will be raised to give to nonprofits and educate people about racial profiling and police brutality. Some very prominent members of the black community including popular DJ Charlemagne the God have rallied in support of Jay-Z suggesting that he is trying to help black people and that he is taking the campaign to the next level. But Jay Z never sought Colin’s approval. How can one befriend a social gadfly like Colin Kaepernick, wear his jersey on Saturday Night live, tell other up and coming artists not to perform at the Super Bowl and then monetize a movement for your own personal gain when it was never about money?
One can’t put a dollar amount on consciousness. One can’t throw money at a centuries old problem like racism and expect it to go away, however, it is a good business practice used to manipulate the public into believing that you actually care. Jay-Z not only knows this, he’s complicit in it. People will say that this deal will generate jobs and thus it will create opportunities for the disenfranchised. To that I would ask black people, Would you rather have a job or a revolution? Why can’t we create our own league and hire who we want? We have enough billionaires to do it. Why do we, as black people, want to actively participate in a system that was designed to keep the vast majority of us at the bottom? We are so brainwashed that I am convinced that a good deal of us would be willing to bring slavery back as long as 15% of the plantations were owned by African-Americans. But not Colin. Colin wouldn’t sell his soul for a check. Jay-Z did. And that’s the difference. I don’t rock with Roc Nation. Neither am I on the Kaepernick bandwagon. I rock with the truth. To paraphrase what the comedian Monique said earlier this year, I place my integrity over the bag. I place my morals over money and I celebrate moments in history when others do the same. Let the movement continue. Let the kneeling continue and may every billionaire owner of an NFL team be made to feel uncomfortable every time the national anthem is performed.
I committed a millennial sin about a month ago and here is my confession. I went on a vacation to a tropical island and I didn’t bring my camera. Not only that, I left my phone in my room every single day. And finally, I went on this vacation alone. Not with my crew, not with my squad, not with my gang, not with my fraternity, not with my family, not with my brothers—just me. And I wandered, I had savory authentic dishes, I got scammed, I declined several propositions from prostitutes, I was myself mistaken for a prostitute and propositioned (That was interesting. Must have been my shorts), and I had conversations that made me question my stance on my country. All of these things made my soul expand yet I don’t have one picture to prove it so therefore it never happened.
I’m fine with it. That’s the portion of it that concerns me the most. I don’t care. I’m wondering what’s the purpose of confessing to a sin that I don’t feel sorry for committing. I guess this means I’m doomed to spend eternity in millennial hell. A place with no Wi-Fi where porn only comes in actual magazines and I have to listen to entire albums the whole way through and actually physically turn those albums over. If that be my fate then so be it. I’m beginning to guard my experiences more. I share them on social media less and less. I don’t even feel comfortable writing down which island I went to. I will say that it was one of the ones filled with black people. And they spoke a language other than English—except when they were talking to me. I will also say that I wouldn’t ever go back. It was an awesome experience but I felt an enormous stigma as a tourist. I wasn’t in an all-inclusive resort so I realized within hours of touching down that I was the economy. Everyone there depended on me to feed their families and I didn’t like it. I hated that the whole island is being raped by foreigners. There were billion dollar hotels and multimillion dollar carnival cruises that docked on the bay and none of these businesses were owned by any person from that country. All that they could do was work in the service of tourists or flee to a country like the one I was born in. I had come there for escape, for paradise, to have an experience akin to those I’ve seen on Instagram—I was a fool.
I took no pictures. I wished I could turn my critical thinking skills down enough to Turn Up the whole time I was down there but I couldn’t. I saw beautiful women and I will always remember them. I learned about the great prophets of that island and I won’t forget them. I felt the water of the ocean against my toes while the seaweed tickled my ankles. I embraced the fact that I was wrong about a lot of things after futilely fighting for their individual truths in conversations with islanders who knew better. I realized that I, even in my black skin, have privileges. I accepted that though I am the descendant of American slaves. Though one could argue that I am still in bondage—and often times I do—I am still an American. America is all that I know. Everything I have learned has been filtered by my government. Even the things that I believed to be radical I only was able to learn because my country allowed me to.
When I stepped onto that island I lived a different truth. A truth that couldn’t be captured in a photograph. It couldn’t be validated by X number of likes either. Therefore I didn’t partake in any of those practices that have set this era apart from all those preceding it. It was a sin that I committed intentionally and a sin that I will commit again.