August 7, 2011
The very thought of success terrifies me but failure is not an option.
I’ve been fighting with my back against the ropes for so long now I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be in control. Everyday is a fight. I have to fight for absurd things that others take for granted. I have to fight to keep what little I have and I have to continue to fight to get everything that I deserve in this world. So the thought of me actually attaining what it is that I dream of every night is a bit unsettling.
What does a fighter do when he has achieved all of his goals? Does he find something else to fight for or does he just quit? I’m not sure I know myself outside of constant struggle. But then again I’m not sure I know myself at all. Take all the rage out of a man, take all the venom out of a poisonous snake, take the horns off of a bull and what have you?
Certain creatures are defined by their ability to strike. I have come to define myself by my ability to strike back. Therefore if I had no one out there antagonizing me then my self-image would disintegrate. It is very troubling to know that I have allowed my view of self to be dictated by those who seek to destroy me. If I could isolate myself from all the hate and distance myself from all the pain then what would I become? I would be transformed into the unknown and the unknown is what I fear more than anything else. For I know in which direction I should be headed yet I intentionally march toward a slow ignorant death.
But before I die I am left here to ponder the question of whether or not I could ever honestly find contentment in peace.
-The Asiatic Prince