I build too many walls or maybe I should consider them to be barbed wire fences. People try to climb them but always get cut trying to hurl themselves over the top. I never liked the idea of people getting too close to me. I never liked the idea of getting too close to other people. I’ve never felt honored when a woman asked me to meet her family. I’ve never enjoyed hanging out with a woman and her female friends. I’ve always believed that the most beautiful thing in the world is a woman who can stand alone.
After graduating from college even though I got excellent marks I distinctly remember feeling like a failure. I was upset with myself because I hadn’t found a wife. So I decided to get one. I began paying special attention to a woman who worked with me. She was about a year older than I was and by anyone’s account “had her life together.” She was educated, she was religious, she was from a good family, and she had great job prospects. One day I randomly caught her by herself in town and decided to make myself plain to her on the spot. I told her I thought she was beautiful and that I was getting too old to play games and that I thought she would make a perfect bride and more importantly I was a man that she would be able to depend on forever.
She blushed and then took a deep breath. When she responded she spoke of steps. Multiple steps. I would have to get in good with her family, I would have to be approved of by her best friend, I would have to befriend her pastor, I would have to attend her church, it would take a lot of time, and then it still wouldn’t be guaranteed. She would have to give it up to god. After she finished I shared my philosophy with her. I told her that I love the fact that she can stand alone. I asked her why couldn’t we just solidify our love first and let everything else fall into place later. The girl looked me in my eyes and said; “You know that’s what the devil does? He always wants to get people by themselves.” I walked away from that conversation without a clear understanding of what had just taken place and further away from getting a wife than I had ever been.
For a long time I was confused about what it takes to find a life-partner and now I’m just scared. I’m scared because I’m no longer confused. With each passing year I become more content with the thought that I may never get married. As more and more of my friends prepare to walk down the aisle I continue to erect a series of fences. Each one doing its part to protect my inner-solitude. They say that hell is burning somewhere behind a gate but then heaven has its gate as well. I don’t know which one of these places I am closest to and I’m not sure that I care.
I always say that it’s OK if I never find someone to share my life with but in my heart of hearts I know that I’m bullshitting.
Lol, with me its just a matter of putting in the work. At this point I think I’m just too lazy to go through the whole process, feel me?
I feel you 😉
I’ve never had any kind of focus on marriage
but the thing about balancing solitude with relationships (romantic or otherwise) is something that I think about.
I bought a book from Teju Cole. I haven’t read it yet, but I was inspired to read that he dedicated it to “the love of [his] life, the protector of [his] solitude”
It never dawned on me that solitude isn’t something that has to be given up in commitment
Very interesting. I wonder how that works.
for me i think it would be an imitation of the commitment and love I have with my siblings. for Teju, idk. imma ask him on twitter. I’ll let you know if he answers
Oh damn. I didn’t know you tweeted. That’s a trip.
lol i just started. im still figuring it out. seems like i’m just supposed to start up conversations with random people or “talk” to myself
That’s a Brave New World. Let me know how that works.
I think most people under 60 years old dont know what it takes and what it means to be married. The surrounding social environment, among other things, of a married couple weighs in heavy on how long the marriage will last imo. Needless to say, im 44 and can say i most likely won’t marry. I’m sure i’ll receive rebuttals from the ladies on this one.
Under 60? Wow. It would be interesting to have someone be married for the first time at age 65, lol. I think it’s just a matter of taking that leap though. We may view marriage as being conservative but in order to do it one must be a heavy gambler. Lol.