July 28, 2011
The more I learn about myself the more I discover that I am a liar. People hurt me and I tell them that I forgive them but most of the time I really don’t. I can look people in the eye and shake their hand. I can talk to them for hours and laugh with them all night knowing that all of my emotional attachments have been completely severed. I guess that makes me a cold person. Add another flaw to the gigantic pile of things I need to work on.
But then again some people are better kept on the outside. I have been told that human beings are creatures of habit. Which makes me afraid of letting someone who has betrayed me back into my inner-circle for fear that they will bleed me once again. And all of this causes me to ponder the question, what is true forgiveness?
I can genuinely say that I don’t actively hate anyone. I can also say that I don’t harbor any resentment toward anyone for pain that they may have caused me or anybody in my family. However I will confess that with some former loved ones I am just done. The truth is that my relationships with some individuals will never be the same and as I write these words I am becoming increasingly concerned that in the end this may not constitute as forgiveness. Perhaps this will cause me to be judged harshly whenever I pass on into the afterlife. Perhaps I will suffer immeasurable pain due to my personal inadequacies. Or maybe, just maybe, God will find a way to forgive me.