Roger Porter

July 28, 2011

The more I learn about myself the more I discover that I am a liar. People hurt me and I tell them that I forgive them but most of the time I really don’t. I can look people in the eye and shake their hand. I can talk to them for hours and laugh with them all night knowing that all of my emotional attachments have been completely severed. I guess that makes me a cold person. Add another flaw to the gigantic pile of things I need to work on.

But then again some people are better kept on the outside. I have been told that human beings are creatures of habit. Which makes me afraid of letting someone who has betrayed me back into my inner-circle for fear that they will bleed me once again. And all of this causes me to ponder the question, what is true forgiveness?

I can genuinely say that I don’t actively hate anyone. I can also say that I don’t harbor any resentment toward anyone for pain that they may have caused me or anybody in my family. However I will confess that with some former loved ones I am just done. The truth is that my relationships with some individuals will never be the same and as I write these words I am becoming increasingly concerned that in the end this may not constitute as forgiveness. Perhaps this will cause me to be judged harshly whenever I pass on into the afterlife. Perhaps I will suffer immeasurable pain due to my personal inadequacies. Or maybe, just maybe, God will find a way to forgive me.

2 thoughts on “Forgiveness

  1. I loved this Rog! Such raw human emotion.
    Your not a cold person at all. People do what they have to do to get past hurts and insecurities. When you are civil with one who has caused you pain – isn’t that a form of forgiveness? You choose not to carry the pain back to them.
    When I first turned to the Lord for guidance,I had many resentments & unforgiven feelings towards humanity and the world. In forgiving myself, I have learnt to forgive others because I have knowledge of the behaviour and the burden that those emotions have on all of us.
    It starts with God’s Love – focus on his perfect love for you, and then you have to love yourself before you can carry that onto your fellow man. Forgive yourself – forgive others.

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