1.) Because you’re 43.
2.) Because you can’t afford to buy another drink.
3.) Because no matter how many drinks you buy her she still won’t invite you to her place.
4.) Because you can’t afford another baby’s mama.
5.) Because you don’t want herpes.
6.) Because someone in this club has a gun and you don’t know who it is.
7.) Because you don’t want to get shot in the face for doing something that you won’t even be able to remember.
8.) Because you have work in the morning.
9.) Because whenever you drink too much alcohol it makes you poop a lot the next day.
10.) Because no matter how old you get you still can’t handle your alcohol.
11.) Because when you dance too much it makes your forehead sweat thus
drawing attention to your receding hairline.
12.) Because you have asthma.
13.) Because the last time your son got suspended from school you told him that
he “be doing too much.” Now look at you.
14.) Because “Molly” is just another white girl that’s bound to get you caught up (see Rosewood, Emmett Till, The Scottsboro Boys, and The Central Park 5).
15.) Because you don’t want to violate your probation.
16.) Because if you come home high again your girlfriend is going to leave you.
17.) Because if your girlfriend leaves you then you won’t be able to afford your own place.
18.) Because the woman who you’re dancing with will never call you back once she finds out how much money you really make.
19.) Because when the club ends she’s going to go home to her man and you’re going to be so drunk that you’re girlfriend won’t let you in the house.
20.) Because when you get drunk you think you can fight but you really can’t.
21.) Because the bouncers haven’t been drinking at all and they’re much bigger than you and they know the exact location on your chin to punch you in to put you to sleep.
22.) Because when you get knocked out the girl who you were trying to impress will scream “Daaaaaaaaaamn!” And cover her mouth and laugh at you. Then she’ll slip the bouncer who knocked you out her cell number and friend him on Facebook while she tweets “This drunk dude just got KTFO! Trying not to laugh #ILUVD-BO”
23.) Because it’s not cool to be out of control.
24.) Because you only get high because you’re insecure.
25.) Because your roommates will vote you and your girlfriend out of the house if you throw up on the bathroom floor again.
26.) Because when you get too drunk you start crying for no reason and you blow everyone else’s high.
27.) Because you have to drive home.
28.) Because you don’t ever want to go back to jail.
29.) Because DUI is a felony.
30.) BECAUSE YOU HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!